What $150,000 Would Do For My Closet

A few weeks ago, it was decided in our house that we would play the “What Not To Wear” game. For those of you who haven’t watched the show, here is the general idea: Every episode, Stacy and Clinton, two of my favorite TV people, ambush a person who has bad clothes, throw them all out, and send her on a shopping spree…with $5,000 and a crash course in hems, waistbands and necklines. My kids decided to be Stacy and Clinton. I would be the person with the bad clothes. It is important to note, however, that my clothes are not bad. They are just old, which might make them bad, but does not take away from their original good.

I’ve always been a pretty zippy gal, I think, when it comes to fashion, daring, current, clever. I’ve got the knack, yes I do. Lately, though, say for about fifteen years, I just haven’t put the knack in play, much. Working at home provides little enthusiasm for a witty wardrobe. So, we turned on the music and hauled out the goods. Betsey Johnson numbers, with peplums. Blazers with shoulder pads that could support file cabinets. Skirts with panels that resembled those felt car wash strips. 

I agreed to part with most of the stash, since we had planned a tag sale for the next morning. “Mommy, no one is going to buy your clothes,” they said. “They are worse than we thought.” Critics, at 11 and 12. And they went on, with the demographics,  “Grown ups won’t fit into these things, and younger people would be too embarrassed.” Meanies.

We woke up early and hung the entire repertoire on the iron gate. It was quite an assemblage, like a time line, my own outdoor museum of style. The kids were right. No one bought anything. Well, a sweater, but that was it. 

I donated the rest. Now, with the extra room on my closet poles, I could use a few things. If I had $150,000, I would probably start a clothing company, let alone buy a jacket with silly bracelet sleeves. Those must tickle. I certainly wouldn’t start buying Valentino when I typically wear jeans and T-shirts. I don’t think I’d even buy those $200 jeans when I usually get them from the Gap. I’d probably just buy a lot from the Gap. I don’t know. Actually, I’d probably get a mix of nice things with some of the money and save the rest. 

Do they really think people aren’t insulted by the hypocrisy?


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